Masking is when a child or young person with autism, AHDH, OCD or another neurodivergent condition hides parts of themselves, represses stims or changes their behaviour to fit in with others. They may copy the way other people talk, play, react, or socialise to avoid standing out.

A child might mask by forcing eye contact, staying quiet, hiding their emotions, copying behaviour, or trying hard not to show when they are overwhelmed or feeling anxious.

Masking can be very tiring and stressful. Many children use a lot of energy trying to “perform” in school or social situations, and may feel exhausted, anxious, or upset afterwards when they are finally in a safe place where they can relax and be themselves.

Masking varies from child to child, but examples may include:

• Forcing their body to sit still even though movement helps them regulate and focus
• Making or holding eye contact even when it feels physically uncomfortable
• Hiding their true personality or special interests to avoid standing out
• Suppressing stimming such as rocking, hand-flapping, or fidgeting
• Worrying about bullying, teasing, or negative attention
• Using social scripts by memorising phrases or responses
• Being hypervigilant and constantly monitoring how others are reacting
• Hiding sensory distress, such as tolerating touch they dislike or wearing irritating clothing
• Over-preparing for social situations or school days to avoid making mistakes or standing out

There can be many signs to indicate that a child or young person with autism, OCD or ADHD has been masking all day. You may see emotional outbursts or distressed behaviours such as meltdowns. They may go quiet, and this may be a shutdown or a burnout. They may be tearful or irritable and easily frustrated. These behaviours are not deliberate; they are signs that your child is overwhelmed and dis-regulated. It is important to give them some space and comfort during this time.

While masking can help a child get through the day, it can come at a cost. A neurodivergent teen might feel unable to stim or regulate their sensory needs because they are in school or in a social situation. This can be a drain on their energy and lead to burnout, shutdowns or meltdowns. This is known as the pressure cooker effect. At school or in public, they may suppress their natural instincts, but when they return to their safe space such as home, the built-up stress releases.

Masking is tiring for a child or young person with autism, ADHD or OCD. They may feel the need to monitor themselves, hide their feelings or interests, cope with uncomfortable sounds or sensations, be social and feel under pressure. It can feel like they’re acting all day long. Over time, this can lead to exhaustion, less ability to cope with emotions, increased anxiety, physical issues like headaches or stomach aches, and burnout or shut down.

Reframe the communication: Behaviour is communication.  If your child is showing distressed behaviours because of overload, it is important to think about what has the day taken out of them. This can help your response to be supportive and the comfort they need.

Create decompression time: Children and young people who have had to mask all day need planned recovery time. It helps if this is immediately when they come home in a low demand environment. Minimise any demands such as take your coat off, what do you want for dinner, etc. Give them time to unwind in a quiet space, use sensory supports like fidget toys or headphones, or do activities that help their body and mind feel calm again.

Ask focused questions: When they come home from school or from being out, rather than asking how was it, try emotionally focused questions such as what part of your day felt easiest? Did anything feel too busy or loud? Do you need some time to relax? These questions give your child permission to share the struggles they may have had.

Work with the school: It can be helpful to speak to the teacher or SENCO to share what works best for your child at home and introduce some strategies that can help them. This could be spotting the early signs of overload, triggers at school, movement breaks, break cards, quiet spaces and even reduced homework if that would help.

Masking is often a sign that a child is working incredibly hard to cope with a world that feels overwhelming. It isn’t a behaviour issue, and it’s not something they should be stopped from doing. When parents and carers understand masking, it can ease emotional pressure, help prevent burnout, improve communication, build trust, and create a safe space that allows their child to be themselves. With steady support, patience, and compassion, children and teens can learn that they don’t have to hide who they are to feel accepted and to belong.

You may find it helpful to sign up to our free online course on parenting neurodivergent children. You can work at your own pace, and it contains downloadable resources.

Read this advice on masking from the National Autistic Society.

Autism Understood have an article for young people on masking that is helpful to read.