You may feel that your teen now prefers to confide in friends, leaving you wondering if you still matter. You might feel pushed aside and worry that your teen no longer values your thoughts or respects your opinions in the way they once did. 

On the other side of the coin, your teen might feel that they are still being treated as a child. They may think their parent does not want a conversation but wants to dictate to them instead. These misunderstandings can lead to frustration on both sides and cause arguments. 

It is important to state that, you do matter to your teen, but you just have a different role from the one you had during the early years and tween stage. As a parent, you provide stability, love and the endorsement they need. This makes a young person feel safe and secure. Without this the teenager will be lost. 

Teenagers do want to talk to their parents. They will open up, but only when it feels safe for them to do so. This means adults need to communicate in a way that shows genuine respect for the young person’s views. Good communication is always a two-way street, talking and listening go hand in hand. 

It is important to remember that timing is critical, your teen might not be ready to have a conversation on your terms and or when the time is right for you. There needs to be compromise.  

Interrogation doesn’t work. Your teenager won’t talk if they think the conversation is going to turn into interrogation. Equally, they may be reluctant to have a conversation if they feel you are busy, distracted or likely to be interrupted. 

Find out more about communicating with your teenager.

The tone of voice you use when you talk to your teenager can have a dramatic effect on how well you communicate. If you’re having difficulties, it’s work thinking about your tone – is it chatty, nagging, interrogating, sarcastic or teasing? 

If you can chat casually and shift into more serious conversations when needed, real communication becomes possible. When patterns of repetition creep in, it’s easy for a teenager to ‘switch off’ and stop hearing what’s being said. You may feel you’re repeating yourself, but what they often hear is a stream of criticism, complaints, and demands, not the intention behind your words. 

If our teenagers hear blame, judgement and criticism, they are likely to feel angry with us and bad about themselves. This may end up with them unlikely to do what you are asking or will do it with bad feeling. They will feel more like doing what you want if they know you are interested in what’s going on for them, understand how they feel and why something is important to them and given choices.

Active listening can help as you focus on your teen by using open body language, clear and simple language, verbal cues and reflection, this helps them to feel heard. This includes:

• Using clear and simple language and be present in the conversation.
• Using open ended questions e.g. ‘what have you been doing today?’
• Feeding back the gist of what has been said to show you’ve understood.
• Establishing and maintaining eye contact helps show sincerity and interest.
• Using open and relaxed body language.
• Focusing on understanding what it’s like being in their shoes right now.
• Naming their feelings to help them understand their own feelings.
• Helping them work out what they need and what they can do about it.

Close friendships can sometimes feel like a barrier to getting your teen to talk, especially when it seems they’d rather confide in friends than in you. But these friendships matter because they ensure your teen is talking to someone. Without them, they wouldn’t automatically turn to you, they might internalise their worries or issues.  

Through friendships, teens practise sharing, relating, and seeing themselves as capable communicators. The lessons they learn with friends can be tougher and more honest than those learned at home, because family is a constant, while friendships must be earned. That’s exactly why they need them.

When teens are regularly in touch with adults other than their parents, such as family friends, aunts and uncles, grandparents, and teachers, it has several positive effects on their ability and willingness to communicate with you. 

Positive interactions with other adults’ help reinforce a young person’s belief that they genuinely have their best interests at heart and will listen to and respect them. When adults outside of the immediate family show confidence in them, it highlights their strengths, boosts their self-esteem, and encourages them to stay open to listening and learning. This can feel both reassuring and grounding for your teenager.

This article was reviewed by Jeremy Todd, Chief Executive.