When a child is small, we often use boundaries to protect them and keep them away from harm or danger. The same is true for teenagers, but, as they get older, different boundaries are needed. 

It’s still really important for your teen to know what behaviour is acceptable. Boundaries help protect your teenager and give them a sense of consistency and stability. It can be tempting to try and be their friend, but they still need you to be the parent and be clear on what the boundaries are. 

On the other hand, too much control or too many rules are not healthy either – you need to find a balance. Teens are developing their identity and sense of self, so they need to be given the chance to make some decisions for themselves.

Boundaries work far better if they are made and agreed together with teenagers. When teenagers understand the reasons behind your decision, and see that you’ve taken their opinions into account, they may be more motivated to co-operate. 

There may be times when your values conflict with the values that your children are learning from other people and the media. This may be when you find yourself negotiating. 

Talk to your teen and let them know what is important to you and why. Give them a chance to respond, and make sure you really listen. When you are genuinely willing to compromise, you may find that the conversation is much more effective, as your teen gains a sense of responsibility.  

Work out what boundaries are most important to you and what you could let go. Too many boundaries can cause resentment and be impossible to maintain, so strike a balance and be prepared to re-negotiate. 

• Open communication – Start conversations about expectations rather than simply dictating rules. Explain the reasoning behind the boundaries you’re setting. This helps teens understand the purpose and makes them more likely to co-operate. 

• Be specific – Avoid making vague statements and be clear about what behaviour is and is not acceptable. 

• Don’t be too critical – Avoid blaming language and focus on “I” statements, like “I’m worried about your safety” rather than “You always go out and do something unsafe”. 

• Listen to your teen – Listen to your teen’s point of view. Showing that you respect their contribution can make them more co-operative to the boundaries you are setting. 

• Negotiation – Allow your teen to negotiate the boundaries with you, as this can give them a sense of control and ownership. This can be especially helpful as they get older and seek more independence. 

• Meaningful consequences – Boundaries are only effective if they have meaningful consequences. Ensure that the consequences are fair but have an impact. If you say no gaming or phone, then ensure that you go through with it. 

• Focus on the most important boundaries – Remember that the goal is to raise responsible and balanced young adults. While boundaries are important, they shouldn’t be so restricting that they stifle your teen’s growth and development. 

As with all children, it is natural for teenagers to test boundaries and try to push your limits. 

When your teenager defies you, you might immediately think about punishment. Fair and reasonable consequences are an important part of setting boundaries. But remember that boundary-pushing can also be hiding a need for attention, acceptance, independence and appreciation. 

Remember to give them plenty of time and attention, talk about what they are going through, and help them learn to express their feelings and understand their needs. You can set boundaries on behaviour while still allowing and validating the emotions behind the behaviour. 

Read more about dealing with a defiant teen.

This page was reviewed by Rosemary Spillman, Head of National Services. Last reviewed 25 June 2026.