Arguments are a natural part of family life, and these can certainly start to happen more often, as your child enters their teenage years. Sometimes conflicts will turn into blazing rows, with your teenager insulting you or swearing. This can be hurtful and frustrating for any parent to deal with. Although a certain level of anger and frustration is common from teenagers, it is not acceptable for your teenager to use aggression, threats or become violent towards you. 

Child-to-Parent Abuse (CPA) refers to harmful, threatening, controlling, or abusive behaviour directed by a child, young person, or adult child towards a parent, carer, or guardian. It is different to typical ‘challenging behaviour’ many parents may experience. 

This can take many forms and often has a significant impact on family relationships and wellbeing. 

Physical: Physical violence to parents, threats of violence, punching or kicking walls or doors, spitting, pushing, throwing things, hurting pets and any other behaviour that threatens a person’s safety or wellbeing.  

Emotional: Verbal abuse, shouting, screaming, swearing, using offensive language, using intimidation, playing mind games, humiliation, emotional blackmail, making threats to hurt or harm themselves in order to get their own way.  

Coercive control: This may involve attempts to control a parent’s movements, their relationships, or daily activities, often using fear or intimidation to dominate the home environment. 

Financial: Demanding money from you, stealing money or possessions, incurring debts and making you responsible for them. 

Sexual Abuse: Some parents may experience sexual abuse, whether that be physical or verbal. ​     ​

“My son had a temper tantrum last night, over not doing his homework. I restrained him, as he was attempting to smash up his bedroom. My other children were terrified; my husband doesn’t know what to do. He ripped my jeans, I have a huge bruise on my leg, he has smashed a hole in his door and ripped his light fitting out. We are all going to have to suffer this week because we have to pay to fix the damage. He just thinks it’s all unfair on him! We are in a dark place right now. I know I need help with this but am terrified of the consequences for him.” (Mother of 13-year-old son) 

We have spoken to many families who often reach out when situations have already escalated. Many share that they hesitate to seek help because they feel ashamed, worry they’ll be judged, or fear being seen as a bad parent. During such a distressing time, parents can also feel isolated and frightened, making it even harder to speak up and access support. 

• The home may feel tense, with family members often anxious or on edge 

• Relationships between parents, teens, and siblings can become strained 

• Parents may feel frustrated, helpless, or guilty while trying to cope 

• Siblings may feel scared, upset, or overlooked 

• Disagreements between parents can increase as they try to manage the behaviour 

• The situation can have a strong emotional effect on everyone in the family 

• Families may withdraw from others due to fear of judgement 

• Financial pressures can arise if changes are needed to keep everyone safe or adjust work 

As difficult as it may be, support is available, and it is important to get some help and advice on dealing with this. The impact of this violence and aggression affects the whole family as everyone could be walking on eggshells and feeling constant dread. 

A young person who is acting in an aggressive or violent way is quite likely to be struggling with their feelings. It could be a reaction to something that they are going through which they may have kept to themselves. Is this behaviour something that has come out of nowhere? Has it perhaps been increasing gradually as they have got older? It is important to try to put a timeline on when and how it started and what triggers could have been the catalyst. 

• They may be feeling frustrated about something that is happening in their life, such as getting bullied or having troubles at school 

• They may have been exposed to violence in the community, at school, on social media or through music lyrics or violent video games 

• They may have witnessed domestic abuse at home such as physical violence or coercive control between parents 

• There may be substance misuse such as smoking weed, drinking, taking other drugs 

• There may have been family changes such as a family break up, bereavement, etc 

• They may have a diagnosed or undiagnosed neurodivergent condition such as ADHD or Autism 

It is not always obvious what the driving force is behind your teen’s aggressive behaviour.  Whatever the cause of their behaviour it may be quite clear they are struggling to manage their anger and emotions.   

It is not possible for parents to foresee and prevent all violent or aggressive situations. Some incidents can be avoided if parents are aware of verbal or non-verbal signs. Using the STAMP acronym can help you identify early warning signs and help to prevent aggressive or violent incidents.  

• STARING: Prolonged glaring at parent or siblings that makes you feel uneasy or on edge 

• TONE: Sharp, sarcastic, loud, argumentative tone towards you or others 

• ANXIETY: Flushed face, heavy breathing or rapid speech 

• MUTTERING: Talking under breath, criticising or mimicking parent or sibling 

• PACING: Walking or pacing around in confined space in a more determined way 

There may be other early warning signs, and you know your teen better than anyone else. It is important to try and recognise the early signs to try and help situations escalating.  

When your teen is angry or upset, the most helpful thing you can do is stay calm and listen, if it’s safe to do so. Their behaviour is often a sign they are struggling with overwhelming emotions. When they feel this way, they may not be able to think clearly or respond to reason. 

If your teen’s behaviour becomes aggressive, try to pause before reacting. If it is safe, give both yourself and your teen some space to calm down. Taking time to recognise your own emotions, as well as theirs, can help prevent the situation from escalating. It is essential to keep a safe distance and use non-threatening body language and gestures. For example, not crossing your arms or looking angry, as this may escalate the situation. 

Once everyone feels calmer, gently check in with your teen and let them know you’ve noticed they seem upset. Reassure them that you’re there to listen without judgement. Feeling heard and understood can help them open up about what has happened and begin to work through their feelings.

If you are experiencing violence or abuse from your teen, it may be hard to admit that there is a problem, but if your teenager is hurting you or others, then this is domestic abuse. You deserve to feel safe in your own home and family life. 

Look after yourself – This is vital to cope with the anger and aggression from your teen. You probably feel exhausted and demoralised, so self-care is important. 

Remember, this is not your fault – No parent can avoid making mistakes, life itself is an imperfect process full of disappointments, and difficulties and children need to be able to cope with these. 

Choose your battles – You can’t tackle everything at once, put some issues on the backburner to be dealt with later. 

Try not to take it personally – If your child is struggling, it’s often because of a range of issues that may be beyond your control. Once you are aware of them, you can give them the support and help they need to address their fears and worries. 

Separate the behaviour from your teen – You can still love your teen but not like their behaviour. It is not a package, and it is important to try to view the behaviour as a stand-alone issue.  

Notice the positive Often the only attention you will be giving your teen is in response to negative behaviour. Try to focus on positive behaviour, no matter how small and give them some praise. This could be for putting their shoes away or putting their plates in the sink.  

Avoid blaming language – Coram Family Lives works with parents on giving ‘3-part statements’ that really do make a difference: ‘when you did… I felt… what I want to happen is…’. Repeating this, and being consistent in using it, works. Avoid using language that blames and is negative.  

Ignoring the behaviour won’t make it go away – It is really hard to go through this but playing it down won’t help it go away. If it is not addressed, the violence could increase and become a life-long pattern. 

Keep yourself safe – It’s important to make sure you and other members of the family are safe. If you can spot the signs of the conflict turning into violence, have a safety plan for those times. Try to go to a place of safety while you decide what to do next.  

Calling the police – You may feel reluctant to call the police as you may not want your teen to get into serious trouble. The police have been working with many families on child to parent violence and abuse and understand the impact. If you are in fear for your safety or you are feeling threatened it is ok to call the police to help diffuse the situation and for you to feel safe. 

Redress the balance – If you feel able to, find moments where you can show your appreciation when they are doing well. 

Stay calm– You might be inflaming the situation without meaning to, for example, by shouting or responding back with aggression. Keep yourself calm. Leave the room for a while if you need to.  

Acknowledge their feelings– ‘I know you’re really angry’, recognises the fact without criticism. ‘What would help you now?’, offers support but does not have to be agreed to, as does, ‘I’ll see what I can do, and we’ll talk about it later’. A gentle look, a kind touch can convey this without hostility and before trying to talk about what is wrong. 

Try to find the root of the anger – School pressures, bullying, friendships, mental health, family breakdown or illness can all be triggering factors that add to a child’s stress levels. They are not excuses but may be reasons for it. Talking through the pressures, listening to your teen attentively, without judging, interrupting or directing them can help them to offload their feelings and release the pressure constructively. 

Help them develop calming strategies –When things are calm, have a chat about calming strategies they can try in the future. It may be a case of trial and error. They could try calming down strategies for their anger or meditation to help them quieten their mind.  

Give them space – Recognise that your teen is taking anger out on you and may not know how else to deal with difficult feelings. Once they have calmed down, you may be able to talk to them about what has happened and suggest they let you find them some help. 

Don’t fight fire with fire – Avoid using violence with your teen. If you are hitting your teenager in response, then you are giving them the message that it is OK to use violence to solve disagreements. 

Get support for yourself – Know what support you need and pick and mix from your friends and relatives to get the best fit that you can. Contact services such as our helpline on 0808 800 2222 for support and advice. 

At Coram Family Lives, we do understand how different each situation is. If you would like further support and advice, you can contact us for advice and support. We always try to help the parent understand that violence against them from their teenager is unacceptable and it is abuse. If their teenager behaved in this way towards anyone else outside the family, they would have to face consequences and so they should understand they should still be accountable for their behaviour within the family. Our support is non-judgemental, supportive and confidential. We explore options such as: 

• Making sure the parent can protect themselves and other family members by removing themselves from the danger 

• Calling the police and talking this through 

• If they feel they cannot bring the police in, then we speak to them about the possibility of a PCSO speaking to the teenager about possible consequences 

• Asking if the teenager is under any particular stress at this time in order to identify where the anger is coming from 

• Seeing if there is someone who will take the teenager in for a few days in order to let tempers calm 

• Exploring if there is anyone the teenager looks up to and will listen to 

• Supporting the parent to help break a deadlock and take themselves out of the situation 

• We have a free self-guided online parenting course for parents to help deal with challenging behaviour in teens, with four modules that you can work through at your own pace 

It might be difficult for them to realise they have an issue and accept help. You could ask their school or college to support them so it might be worth involving the head of year or college wellbeing advisor. Make an appointment with your GP and try to get a referral to your local Child and Adolescent Mental Health Services (CAMHS) as they will be able to give your child counselling or therapy to help them manage their feelings. Waiting times and referral procedures can vary. You could also ask your GP to make a referral to family therapy, so everyone is able to work through this together. 

It may also be helpful to contact your local Youth Offending Services (YOS) for support. They may have a local support programme for parents that work to prevent the behaviour escalating. They may accept self-referrals, and it is worth finding out if they have a programme running in your area. To find out the contact details of your local YOS team, please visit the GOV.UK website and click on your region. 

If you are really struggling and feel unable to cope, it may be helpful to speak to your local Social Services about getting some support with your child’s behaviour. 

PEGS provides support to parents who are experiencing Child to Parent Abuse from their child or teenager.

You can get in touch with the National Domestic Abuse Helpline on 0808 2000 247.

Encourage your teen to speak to the team at The Mix who provide support to young people on any challenge they are facing.

Young Minds who can give your teen some much needed emotional support if they are struggling with their feelings.

Watch this video for further tips and advice

This article was reviewed by Bradley Allen from the charity PEGS on 28 July 2026. They provide support to parents, carers and guardians who are experiencing child to parent abuse, including those with adult offspring.