Disagreements about where the children will spend their time can flare up around school holidays. Routines change, childcare can become more challenging and both parents may have plans around going on holiday or special days out. 

To minimise arguments and keep things stable for the children, make sure you get organised and plan in advance. It can help to agree how you will handle school holidays as part of making a co-parenting plan. 

Some ways of approaching the holidays can be: 

• Stick to your usual schedule from term times
• Split the holidays in half, with a handover in the middle
• The children spend alternate weeks (or another set number of days) with each parent

Be flexible where necessary – for example, swap time around to make sure both parents have the chance to take the children on holiday at times that work for them.

Make a list of all the school holiday dates and how much childcare is needed, especially if you are also juggling work and annual leave. Discuss these with your co-parent, and any extended family that might be involved in providing childcare. Having a shared calendar can be helpful. 

Work out the costs of any childcare schemes or holiday clubs and negotiate a fair way to cover these – whether it’s splitting the costs, each covering costs during your own time with the children, or covering it through child maintenance.

Seeing the situation from each other’s perspective can help relieve any tensions that might be brewing.

• Consult with your co-parent before booking holidays, especially if they fall outside your normal contact time. If both of you make an effort to be considerate, it will make things much better for the children
• Try to be as fair as you can – if one parent gets first pick at booking the holiday they want this year, consider letting the other parent do the same next year
• Remember that your children’s school holiday dates may not line up with those of step siblings or half siblings
• Some anxiety is normal when your kids go on holiday with your ex, especially if they are going abroad
• Clear communication is really important – sharing travel and accommodation information, contact details and itineraries can help both parents feel at ease
• Try to keep in touch while on holiday, even if it’s just a quick text or video call

For special days such as birthdays, Christmas or other festive dates, many co-parents choose to alternate years. It can also be possible to split the day with a handover at an agreed time if co-parents live near each other. 

You can make an agreement about this as part of making a co-parenting plan. Reaching a long-term deal and being flexible will work to everyone’s benefit. A separated mother said:  

‘My eldest daughter is going to be with her dad for Christmas day this year. I’m going to miss her terribly but need to be fair to her dad. It might sound a bit extreme, but I find it helps to plan what will happen at Christmas a year ahead. I have a rota with my daughter’s dad as to who has her when.” 

James Skinner, Associate Solicitor and Family Law specialist at Simpson Millar has four tips that can make arranging contact easier for non-resident parents this Christmas: 

• Communicate – putting arguments aside and co-operating will make trying to arrange time far easier
• Plan ahead – The earlier the better. This will reduce pressure and show clear intentions on both sides
• Put children first – when you are trying to balance the needs of both parents, it’s easy to forget to ask what the children want or consider what’s best for them
• Be flexible – It can be difficult to split contact equally over busy holidays – you could compromise and agree for the other parent to have the children on Christmas day this year, but you can swap next year

It is always better to decide on the arrangements for the children yourselves. With the help of a solicitor, you can have these certified by the court. However, if you really can’t agree, a solicitor can help you reach a fair arrangement through mediation. 

You may feel resentful and hurt about your child spending time with the other parent, particularly at first. It’s important to find an adult you can share those feelings with – not your child. Children can easily feel torn between parents, which causes a lot of guilt, confusion and uncertainty for them. 

When your children do go to your ex, you may feel a mixture of emotions from loneliness to relief. It’s ok to feel relieved – it’s tough bringing up children alone and you deserve a break. Your home will seem very quiet without the children. Try to make the most of the time by catching up with friends or doing something for yourself. 

Experiencing Christmas, birthdays or other special dates without your children can be really upsetting. You may feel a sense of loss, especially if you see other families together. It’s important to focus on self-care and plan activities that you enjoy or spend time with friends or family members. Additionally, volunteering or helping others in need can provide a good distraction. Remember, this is just a day or two and then things can get back to normal. 

If it’s not your year to spend Christmas with the children, many separated parents choose to celebrate with them on a different day. This can give you a chance to exchange presents, celebrate family traditions and see grandparents or other family members who may also be missing the children. 

School holidays, birthdays, Christmas and special dates may feel particularly difficult to children of separated parents. Here are some tips to help them cope.

• Have a clear plan well in advance and stick to it, so they know what is going to happen. It may help to have all the dates marked out on a calendar for them

• Involve children in the planning, particularly as they get older. For example, for their birthday, it may be important for them to be where they can celebrate with friends

• Look out for any changes in your child. If they seem moodier or more withdrawn, it may be due to the changes. Find a quiet time and ask them how they are. Tell them you know it is different and strange

• Don’t speak badly about your ex, or make the children feel guilty for not spending the day with you

• Allow them to enjoy their time with the other parent and speak positively about it to you, if they want to

• Don’t compete over presents, activities or money spent. This puts pressure on the children and may lead to stress and disappointment for you