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Supporting children through divorce and separation
If you are in the process of getting a divorce or separating, you may be worried about the impact of this on your children. We understand how it can be challenging for children to adjust to the changes in their family life and they may struggle to open up about how they are feeling especially if there is conflict between the parents.
The impact on children
Research shows that one of the things which affects children most when parents are separating is when there is conflict between both parents or issues around seeing the other parent. It is important to ensure both you and your ex-partner have regular contact with your children, unless there are issues around child protection or domestic abuse. It’s also important that you don’t blame your partner for the break-down of your relationship or put them down in front of the children. If children sense the negative feelings it can impact on their emotional health and behaviour. For a child, the new change may feel traumatic, so helping them unpick their feelings in a more manageable way can help them start the healing process.
Our advice section below has guidance on how to talk to your child about a divorce or separation, changing a child’s surname and supporting the children living between two homes.
Being honest with your children
It is really important to talk to your children about what is happening with your relationship and to be honest with them. They don’t necessarily need to know all the details about why your relationship has broken down but rather what is going to happen next. Younger children may be happy with fewer details, but you can give older children more information if you feel it helps. Let your children know that they can talk to you about their feelings. Children need to know that you will still both be their parents and that you will always put their needs first and love them.
Involving children in decisions
Where possible, allow your children to have a say in decisions that affect them. Creating a co-parenting plan with the other parent can help provide stability and consistency. Using a calendar can also help children visualise when they will be spending time with each parent, making transitions between homes easier.
Remember that children’s needs change as they grow. What works well for a young child may not be suitable for a teenager. Try to stay flexible and be open to discussing new arrangements as circumstances change. Maintaining contact between visits through video calls, texts, or other forms of communication can also help children feel more connected and settled. Pay close attention to how your children are coping. If they seem withdrawn, moody, or upset, it may be a response to the changes in their lives. Create a calm and safe space where they feel comfortable talking about their feelings. Reassure them that it is normal to feel confused, worried, or upset at times. By involving children in age-appropriate decision-making, you can help them feel more secure, valued, and in control.
Keep to your normal family routines
Where possible, stick to your normal routines as much as possible, such as mealtimes, bedtimes, or after school activities. This can help to make things feel more normal even if emotionally things are a bit up in the air. It helps to make sure that things which are important to your children such as school and friends are still a priority.
Further Resources
If you would like further support and advice, call our helpline on 0808 800 2222 or email us at askus@coramfamilylives.org.uk. You can talk to us online via our live chat service or message us via WhatsApp on 07441 444125 to connect with experienced professional family support workers and highly-trained volunteers. You may find it helps to find out how other parents and carers have coped with this on our online forums. We also have a range of free self-guided online parenting courses that can help through the ages and stages of parenting.
Our online parenting information is written by experienced parenting professionals. Find out more about our content authors, how it is produced, reviewed and edited.