It is important that your children understand why you are separating and what changes may occur. Their understanding will be different depending on their age, but children are almost always aware that something is happening. If they don’t have an explanation, they may invent their own, which could cause confusion.  

Children and young people often try to make sense of difficult situations by blaming themselves. They may believe that the separation happened because of something they did, said, or failed to do. Some may wonder whether things would have been different if they had behaved differently or been a different kind of child. It is important to reassure them that the separation is not their fault. Be clear that children are never responsible for problems in adult relationships or for the decisions that adults make. 

Clear explanations can help and protect your children. Keeping your children informed can help strengthen relationships and help them cope with the family changes. 

• Tell them together with the other parent, if possible. If you have more than one child, tell all of them at the same time 

• Create a plan with the other parent on what to say to your children to make sure you provide a consistent explanation 

• If there is conflict between you and the other parent, focus on providing a clear, honest, and age-appropriate explanation for your children 

• Children often remember when they were told about significant events, so try to choose a quiet time when there is no need to rush 

• Make sure you are available afterwards to answer questions and support their reactions. They may need time to process this news and may ask questions later on 

• Remind them of your happiness when they were born and of the good times together 

• Avoid blaming each other. You are separating from each other but will continue to be loving parents of your children 

• Give as much of an explanation as is appropriate for their age and experience 

• Encourage them to share their feelings and reassure them that it is okay to feel sad, angry, confused, worried, or even relieved 

• It may help to ask them about their understanding of separation or divorce and about any particular worries they may have 

• You can give them as much information about future plans as you are able to, as it is often the practical issues that children worry about 

• They might want individual time with you as well 

• Try to involve them in plans and consult them, but without giving them the burden of making choices between parents they love and feel part of 

Each child’s needs are different. However, they generally need the following:  

• To feel they can continue to have a healthy relationship with each parent 

• Be supported to understand the reality of their parents’ separation  

• Help with dealing with feelings of loss and anger which may result from this  

• Maintain consistent routines around school, friendships, and daily life to help them feel safe and secure in all areas of their lives  

Because they are part of each of you, they need to be able to have a loving relationship with each of you without being made to feel disloyal to either parent by doing so.  

Pre-school aged children – They might have a limited understanding of family relationships and what might happen in the future. They tend to focus on themselves and think mainly about what is happening right now. 

Primary school-aged children – They may worry about being apart from a parent. They could be concerned about practical questions, such as “Where will I live?” or “Will I still see my friends?”. They may find it hard to talk about their feelings, which can sometimes lead to changes in behaviour or affect their emotional wellbeing. 

Teenagers – They may feel pressure to take on more adult responsibilities and become independent before they are ready. They too will worry about the practical issues such as living arrangements, friendships, etc.  They may find it hard to talk about their feelings too, which can again lead to changes in behaviour or affect their emotional wellbeing. 

Children often experience a mix of emotions when their parents separate, and these feelings can be confusing. They may feel protective of one parent while feeling upset or angry with the other. At the same time, they might blame themselves for what has happened or hold their parents responsible. Making sense of these emotions takes time. By responding with patience, understanding, and reassurance, you can help them work through their feelings at their own pace. Avoid rushing them to accept the situation or ‘move on’. Instead, give them the space and support they need to express and process their emotions.  

Knowing other children whose parents have separated can help them feel less alone. Encouraging them to talk to trusted friends or share experiences with others in similar situations can provide valuable support and reassurance. 

This is not a one-off discussion. You may not even get much response initially. It helps if children feel they can express their feelings or ask questions at other times, so they understand this is not an issue which is out of bounds for you. Equally, if they don’t want to talk for a while, respect their decision. Give them a chance to talk individually and privately.                                                                                                              

Young children may need information repeated before absorbing what is happening. You may want to plan another discussion after everyone has had time to take in the changes. It may help to use a story book or a social story for them to understand the change. 

Children need reassurance that their parents will continue to love and care for them. They need an understanding that separation has been carefully thought about and not entered into lightly. It will help them to know you have tried hard before getting to this stage.  

They will want to understand what separation means for them in practical terms. Parents who blame or continue conflict with each other can be hurtful to children. It is important children understand that separation is their parents’ decision, they are not responsible for it and cannot change it by their actions.                                 

Communication between parents will avoid misunderstandings about plans and visits for children. Children are helped if they can feel that spending enjoyable time with one parent is not being disloyal to the other. They will also appreciate respect for their privacy. 

How you deal with issues of separation and changes in relationships gives your children a role model for their own future. You may even find that this gives you a stronger and more open relationship with them. 

Counselling may be helpful for some children, as it provides a safe and neutral space for them to talk about their feelings and concerns. It can also help them develop strategies for coping with change and uncertainty. It may be beneficial to inform your child’s school about the situation, as they may be able to offer additional pastoral support and monitor your child’s wellbeing. 

Cafcass have an online guide on supporting children through divorce and separation that you might find helpful to read. 

National Family Mediation have a reading list of books that can help children understand divorce and separation.  

Young Minds have an online guide for parents on divorce and separation with information on talking to your children and more.  

Written by Rose Leigh, National Services Volunteer Family Support Worker

This page was reviewed by Sandra Hiller, Local Services and Business Development Lead. Last reviewed 25 August 2026.