Children benefit most when they can maintain positive relationships with both parents. Avoid asking your child to carry messages between homes, take sides or listen to criticism about the other parent. Keep disagreements between adults and communicate directly with your co-parent where possible – this helps your child feel safe, supported and free from unnecessary pressure or divided loyalties.

Contact arrangements can bring a mix of emotions for children, even when they have a positive relationship with both parents. Some children may seem reluctant, unsettled or unsure about spending time with their other parent – and these feelings can arise at any age.

Moving between homes can be disruptive for children and they may find it difficult to feel at home in both places – or may feel that they are not at home in either.

It’s important to make time to listen to your child, acknowledge their emotions and understand anything that might be making things particularly hard for them.

Remember, you are still a full-time parent, even if your child only spends part of their time with you. Maintaining a strong connection between contact visits can help your child feel secure and supported. Encourage your child to talk about how they are feeling and check in with them in between visits. Regular calls, video chats, texts or messages can help them feel involved in your everyday life and remind them that you are there for them.

• Treat contact visits like normal family life, rather than always planning special treats or activities – that might mean watching TV, doing homework, preparing meals or playing games together
• Make sure both parents are involved with the child’s school life, friends and hobbies – such as setting up play dates and taking them to extracurricular activities. Both parents may need to work together and be flexible to make this happen
• As far as possible, let them have a space in your home that feels like theirs, with familiar belongings, favourite toys or personal items. Encourage them to get involved in decisions about their room or space – this helps them feel settled and valued
• Consider ‘doubling up’ on items like toiletries and keeping them in both homes, to reduce how much children have to pack each time
• Agree on some boundaries and routines that should stay the same between homes – it’s natural for there to be differences but some consistency is helpful
• Work with the other parent to try to make sure there is a balance on where the child spends birthdays, holidays, festive dates and family celebrations. Read more about dealing with special occasions when separated.

It is not unusual for children of any age to feel hesitant about spending time with their other parent. This can happen even when you have a positive co-parenting relationship and contact arrangements. Some reasons they might be reluctant are:

• Wanting to spend time with friends
• Worrying about missing out on activities
• Finding the transitions between two homes difficult or confusing
• Preferring the routine and familiarity of one home over another

Focus on understanding what your child is experiencing and helping them feel safe, supported and prepared for time with their other parent. Listen to their concerns without judgement, acknowledge their feelings and maintain a positive and encouraging approach – this helps build their confidence.

Children sometimes worry about upsetting one parent by enjoying time with the other. A brief reassurance that they do not have to choose sides can be very valuable.

If your child is consistently distressed, anxious or expressing concerns about contact visits, it’s possible there are issues that you need to be aware of. It’s important to explore their feelings and try to understand the reasons behind them.

Transitions between homes can sometimes be difficult for children, particularly younger children. To help them feel more secure and prepared for contact visits, it can be helpful to:

• Give your child advance notice of upcoming visits – a visual timetable can be helpful for some children
• Help them pack familiar belongings, such as favourite toys or comfort items
• Keep handovers calm, positive and predictable- don’t use this time to bring up disagreements with the other parent
• Maintain consistent transition routines where possible

Children may need time to readjust when returning home after spending time with their other parent. Some children may seem tired, emotional, quiet or unsettled – this is often a normal response to moving between homes and routines. Try to give your child time and space to settle back in, while encouraging them to share their thoughts and feelings if they wish.

Children sometimes test boundaries by asking one parent for something after the other parent has said no. This is a normal part of growing up, but it can cause issues if parents have very different boundaries or expectations.

Where possible, work together with your co-parent to agree a consistent approach. This helps children know what to expect and can prevent them from feeling caught in the middle. Most importantly, it helps your child feel secure and supported across both homes.

It can be tempting to use gifts to make your child feel better after a separation, but children need love, attention and reassurance more than presents. While gifts can be enjoyable, they cannot replace quality time with a parent. Helping your child feel loved, listened to and supported is far more important than material things and will help them adjust more successfully to new family arrangements.

Every family has different ways of doing things and often children can manage the boundaries, if they are clear about what’s expected of them. This can help your children learn how to be adaptable.

• Children can find it helpful when some things are the same in both homes
• Try talking with your co-parent about the routines, boundaries and values that are most important to you both
• Agree on the things that should stay consistent, while accepting that some things may be done differently in each home
• Being flexible and willing to listen to each other can make things easier for everyone

This article was reviewed by Jeremy Todd, Managing Director of Coram Family Lives. Last reviewed on 21 July 2026.